Disclaimer: This is homemade whipped cream with no sugar. This is my dogphew–not a client. I did not get permission from his parents, so don't tell. They gave my kids candy. I retaliated. He did not eat all of it. I only gave him a couple of licks for the picture. Swear. I do not advocate giving these types of treats to your dog. But if you have a dogphew, go for it.
the dog story i don't tell people
Doesn't every dog owner have a story they only tell to their closest friends? I have a friend whose dog ate a pair of pantyhose, and then she had to pull the whole darn long mess out of his arse. I have a client whose dog goes bonkers over crayons; so much so that they put them in drawers, but he still gets to them, so now they have to lock them up. I call him "circus poo." You know what I mean, right?
I have such a story. I've touched on it before.
Now that we've known each other for a while (haven't we?), I consider you a closest friend, and I will tell this tale.
When our dog, N.A.S.H.A., was a wee little puppy, she was not a terrier mix, she was a terror mix. She was literally an ankle-biter who drew blood, and she was a yapper. I'm proud to report that she has grown into the universe's most awesome being, but...in the beginning...
We were living in a fully-furnished rented apartment while we waited for our home to be built. She didn't chew the furniture, thankfully. She was easy to potty-train. Never messed on the floor even once. Yet there was this unmistakable smell of poo in our apartment.
I accused my husband of letting too many fly. I accused my step son of being generally stinky and perhaps not properly wiping "down there." I accused the apartment complex of an improperly-routed ventilation system (like from the sewer to my apartment). This went on for weeks. Months. Our apartment STUNK. We pondered and searched and contemplated and discussed every single day. We considered moving, but it would just be "a little bit longer" on our house. It didn't make sense to move. We searched in every nook and cranny for the phantom poo.
We were doing some house cleaning one day. I was scrubbing the kitchen and Big was vacuuming. I hear from the master bedroom. "What the BLEEP? Where did that come from? Oh my BLEEP. Bleeping Bleepity BLEEEEEEEEEEP the bleep and BLEEP. No WAY! BLEEEEEEP! Kristen, get in here! BLEEEEEEP! This is so bleeped up. I can't bleeping believe this. That DOG! THAT DOOOOOOOG! This is INSANE! I FIGURED IT OUT! I BLEEPING FIGURED IT OUT!"
I dried my hands and followed the bleeping and inquired further.
"I was vacuuming and bonked the vacuum on the edge of the bed frame, then suddenly a pile of dried up poo appeared on the floor. Kristen. There is a tiny hole in the bottom of the box spring. The BLEEPING DOG chewed a hole in the fabric and has been climbing up inside the box spring to take a BLEEP. Do you know how many BLEEPING piles of BLEEP are INSIDE OUR BOX SPRING?!?" he asked.
N.A.S.H.A. was climbing inside the box spring through a tiny hole toward the foot of the bed. That's where she was depositing the majority of her deposits. She only weighed about a pound and-a-half, so her weight was adequately supported by that thin fabric.
I can't bleeping tell you what my response was. Because it's okay for me to bleeping tell you how much my bleeping husband swears, but I don't want you to think I'm bleeping like that.
The dog was not physically or emotionally harmed. Let's just say that.
So what happened in the end?
We cut the entire bottom fabric out of the box spring. She became potty trained, for real.
And we all lived happily ever after.
And you have to pinky swear you won't tell a single soul. That is some embarrassing bleep.
silly state law saturday: new jersey
silly state law saturday: new jersey state image source: educationonline.com
Let's not think of New Jersey as stuck in a faraway time as far as their animal laws go. They're just being cautious, I'm sure. All in the name of animal safety...here, here! I'll toast to that. Please enjoy this week's offerings of ridiculous animal laws.
• Automobiles are not to pass horse-drawn carriages on the street. So leave yourself some extra time to get where you're going.
• It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon. I'm supposing these are still used because it takes so long to get anywhere with all of the horse-drawn carriages in the way.
• It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals at the local zoo. Be sure to bring some tequila and a joint if you want to make friends with Jersey critters.
• In Berkley Heights, you may not walk your cattle on the street on Sunday. Please stick to the sidewalk. With all of those slow carriages holding things up, we don't need to add cattle to the mix.
• All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts. A back-up to the back-up. Good plan.
Please join us next week when we take a look at New Mexico.
Law information source: stupidlaws.com and dumblaws.com
hi, i'm vegan-ish. nice to meet you
Nearly every day, I ask myself "what kind of an eater am I?" I tend to like to put labels on things. I think most people do. The fact is, I can't put a label on the kind of eater I am. Sometimes I call myself an "aspiring vegan" or an "almost vegan." Is there such a thing? Isn't that a bit like being "almost pregnant?"
The fact is, I prepare and eat mostly vegan meals. My family eats them with me, but they are not vegan, nor do they wish to be. So we have meat and dairy around the house. Do I occasionally throw a bit of cheese on my veggie burger? Guilty. Do I eat an actual burger once in a blue moon? Yes. But am I helping animals and the environment anyway? Yes.
A couple of weeks ago, I accidentally discovered a Live Twitter Chat new to me, #VeganFoodChat hosted by The Food Duo, "a couple of quirky vegan kids from NYC who play with their food." I started following the hash tag and discovered the participants to be talking about the triumphs and tribulations of being vegan around those who are not. I quickly joined in, not really caring if I "belonged." I know all too well about the judgements people pass about vegans. I judged, too, before I started learning more about it. I thought these vegans may not accept me (I think that's a commonly-held stereotype about passionate people), but I decided I'd just give them all the middle finger if they were haters and I dove in head first.
This group of people welcomed me and accepted me into their fold instantly. And when I admitted that I wasn't a "real vegan" but just a "mostly vegan," or one of those labels I like to use on myself, they seemed to breathe a sign of relief. One of them said "If there is a perfect vegan out there, I have yet to meet him or her." Another said "Everyone slips up sometimes, but no one talks about it." Wow. I felt accepted and comfortable, and even a little bit groundbreaking in my admission. For the first time, I felt like the kind of vegan-ish person I am is okay and can be accepted. And I don't have to be perfect.
So, what's my point? (Shut up about yourself, now, Kristen.) I don't have to be perfect, and you don't either.
Every bit of vegan-ish behavior you can muster helps the world get closer to ending the torture of animals for human consumption (please don't turn the channel just 'cause I went a little activist on you).
Being open-minded and educating yourself on where your food comes from is the first step. Sure, there are some nutty activists out there, and they are so loud, they are hard to hear. We just want to tell them to shut up. But if you digest the information slowly on your own terms and realize that there is a lot of truth behind the accusations, you're opening yourself up to a whole new way of thinking.
So what can you actually accomplish, even if you aren't a full-fledged vegan?
Reducing the amount of meat in your diet has tremendous health benefits and environmental benefits, not to mention the fact that it helps get us closer to ending the suffering of animals, the standard for most meat-producers. Check out some of these statistics outlined by Kathy Freston.
If everyone went vegetarian for just one day, the U.S. would save:
• 100 billion gallons of water, enough to supply all the homes in New England for almost four months.
• 1.5 billion pounds of crops otherwise fed to livestock, enough to feed the state of New Mexico for more than a year.
• 70 million gallons of gas–enough to fuel all the cars of Canada and Mexico combined with plenty to spare.
• 3 million acres of land, an area more than twice the size of Delaware.
• 33 tons of antibiotics.
If everyone went vegetarian just for one day, the U.S. would prevent:
• Greenhouse gas emissions equivalent to 1.2 million tons of CO2, as much as produced by all of France.
• 3 million tons of soil erosion and $70 million in resulting economic damages.
• 4.5 million tons of animal excrement.
• Almost 7 tons of ammonia emissions, a major air pollutant.
You can read Freston's entire article, The Startling Effects of Going Vegetarian for Just One Day, here.
Talk about a powerful way to help the environment! But what about animals?
Most of us fall prey to the denial of the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. We don't see animals suffer, so it's easy to deny it. We just see our food served nicely on a plate and don't give a second thought to what an animal had to go through to make that meal possible. Or we say "yeah, yeah...I know. But I like meat. Whatever." Some of us don't even believe that the animals suffer. When I do have that occasional burger, I'm somehow able to put the images I've seen and stories I've been told out of my mind for a bit, so I get it. But most of the time, I can't get what I've learned out of my mind. I'm not going to include a bunch of gory pictures and stories, so don't get all uncomfortable. Just know that it's real, and the information is everywhere if you want to see for yourself.
If you're interested in reducing the amount of meat and/or dairy in your life on behalf of animals (or the environment, or your health, or whatever) how do you get started?
First of all, you've already started if you've made it this far in the post and are still reading. You rock!
Second, do whatever works for you. I eased into it, and though I'm almost there, I'm still easing. I'm not quite ready to completely give up the annual sushi dinner with my mother-in-law (yes–I know–there's great vegan sushi) or an occasional late-night In-and-Out indulgence with my hubby. But I'll get there.
Here are a few suggestions on getting started that worked well for me:
Meatless Monday. meatlessmonday.com
• Try Meatless Monday. Yes, it's an actual thing with a web site and everything! Pretty great. Meatless Monday is an awesome way to commit to eating this way just one day a week. By committing to it, I enabled myself to explore vegetarian and vegan recipes I wouldn't have otherwise considered, some of which have become family favorites. My family was actually excited about it. Participation was something I proposed to them, and they were on board. Well, the teen thing rolled his eyes a bit to play it cool, but I think he liked the idea. They felt comfortable committing to one day. They had six others! We ate this way for a long time. The kids (and even my hubby) would start asking over the weekend "what are we doing for Meatless Monday?" or "can we have X, again, for Meatless Monday?"
Once I began to learn their favorites, I started sneaking in an additional meatless meal on, say, Wednesday. We'd be halfway through the meal before someone would notice. "Hey...this has no meat! It's not Meatless Monday!" Oh, well. (Hee hee.)
This video about the who, what, how, why, and where on Meatless Monday is quite hilarious (oh, and informative):
Vegucated. getvegucated.com
• Watch Vegucated. I'm a huge documentary fan, and this one was recommended to me by a non-vegan friend who has similar taste in flicks. I don't want to spoil it for you, but let's just say it probably had the most influence on me of any step I took toward a vegan lifestyle. It's not told in a voice of activism. It's quite gentle and forgiving, yet hard-hitting. It pulled me out of my denial about where my meat was coming from. It showed real people going through this struggle that is both physical and emotional. Check out the trailer:
The Kind Diet. thekindlife.com
• Read The Kind Diet. The Kind Diet has become one of my favorite books. I borrowed it from the library and then purchased a copy for myself the next day. It had to be mine. Alicia Silverstone talks about the different stages of being vegan from "flirting" to becoming a "superhero." She puts things nicely, but plainly, and has a casual "this meat-eating thing just doesn't really make sense" attitude. She thinks about it from all angles. She is kind, as advertised. She educates, offers tips, and provides some out-of-this-world recipes. And–bonus!–she's pretty damn entertaining.
Vegetarian Times. vegetariantimes.com
• Check out Vegetarian Times Magazine. I have a subscription, and I love it! I don't have to go looking for recipes. I can just open up a magazine and choose something. In addition, the magazine has some great articles about the vegetarian/vegan lifestyle. I even like the ads! They introduce me to awesome products I may not have otherwise considered.
Pinterest. pinterest.com
• Make your own Pinterest board of meatless recipes, and follow others' boards for fresh ideas. My board is composed of both meat-free recipes and meat recipes that sound amazing that have adapted or would like to adapt (yes, it's okay to do that). I call it "grub: vegetarian, vegan, and adaptable recipes." Go on...check it out. I'll wait for you.
I also joined a Pinterest group board created by my friend, Sarah, called "Meatless Recipes," which is a great way to share with others and gain new recipe ideas. Plus, it's fun! If you're not already on Pinterest (echo...echo...echo), beware. It's quite addictive.
• Don't immediately try to vegan-ize your favorite dishes. You'll be totally bummed, if you do. A veggie burger does not taste like a cheeseburger, and tofu does not taste like chicken. Start out by creating something entirely new. Add to your diet; don't replace items in your diet–at first. Make yourself a veggie stir-fry over quinoa on Monday, and enjoy that fried chicken on Tuesday. Think of it as an adventure rather than a chore or obligation, and it will be a lot more fun. And once you do go for that veggie burger, realize that it's still not a replacement for a cheeseburger. Let it be it's own thing, and appreciate it for what it is. It's quite delicious. But it's not a cheeseburger replacement; It's a veggie burger.
• Make some vegan friends. And I know just where to find them. I invite you to join me each Wednesday for the #VeganFoodChat. Come with an open mind and an open heart (please, no haters). Tell 'em @WellMinded sent you.
See. There's a lot we can do. It's not black and white. Any small measure helps in so many ways. Consider the enormous impact you could have on animals by giving this whole meatless thing a try, to any degree. I'll close with one of my favorite quotes:
Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he begun his work.
One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down at the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.
As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects and throwing them into the ocean.
He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"
The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."
"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.
To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up, and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."
Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"
At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."
-Loren Eiseley
follow the leaping bunny...but not too far down the rabbit hole
Boy, do I feel duped. I feel like I'm pretty knowledgeable when it comes to animal testing and products that are tested on animals. I read labels, and I try to avoid any cosmetic or household product that may employ animal testing. I was browsing my April/May 2014 issue of Vegetarian Times, and came across an article called "Mindful Beauty" by Elizabeth Barker. It was well-written. Barker talked about which ingredients to steer clear of because they might be harmful to your health, the planet, or animals. It was the sidebar about the "leaping bunny," though, that really caught my attention:
How can you be certain no animal was harmed in the process of testing whether that new serum or shampoo might have irritating effects? 'Some companies state they don't test on animals, when in fact they merely contract other companies to do the testing,' explains Leaping Bunny Program (leapingbunny.org) spokesperson Kim Paschen. By signing on to the leaping Bunny standard, she says, companies ban animal testing through all stages of the manufacturing process, and source ingredients solely from suppliers that also have eliminated animal testing. Much like farmers may practice pesticide-free agriculture without the organic designation, beauty product manufacturers may forgo animal testing without Leaping Bunny certification. But a listing in the program's Compassionate Shopping Guide assures an animal test-free product.
Okay. So, basically, a package can say "we don't test on animals" and be speaking the truth when, in fact, they've hired "Acme Animal Testing, Inc." to test the product. That's a bit like my kid telling me "I didn't break the window. My baseball did."
Or, a company can say "this product was not tested on animals" and be speaking the truth because the product in it's final form was not tested on animals but each ingredient was.
It's all about tricky semantics, and it stinks.
So look for the leaping bunny on your products. It's a quick way to know what you're purchasing is cruelty-free. But just because a product doesn't display the logo, doesn't mean it tests on animals. Use of the logo is pricey, so some companies choose not to use it. They still appear on the Leaping Bunny Compassionate Shopping Guide. But that's not the end of the story.
I love Melaleuca products–cosmetics and household cleaners, and was concerned a few years ago when I didn't see them on the Compassionate Shopping Guide, but, instead on the "do test" list. I couldn't believe that such a compassionate wellness company would test on animals! I was horrified. So I called the company and received a letter from CEO Frank Vandersloot.
It turns out that the reason they were on the "do test" list was because they shampooed some dogs with their dog shampoo before taking it to market. Since the dog shampoo contained no toxic ingredients, they were certain that the dogs would not be harmed. They were merely "testing" to be sure the shampoo did a good job. Sounds reasonable to me. Faith restored. In order to appear in the Compassionate Shopping Guide, a company may not conduct animal testing of any sort, and this, indeed, is an animal test. It's great that the list is so strict. We know with 100% confidence that companies who appear on the list absolutely do not test on animals in any way. We just might want to take that with a grain of salt.
If you suspect that your favorite product might be tested on animals, contact the company and ask. Listen closely, and don't be fooled by claims of "we don't test." Dig a little deeper. "Do you contract other companies to provide animal testing on any of your ingredients or your final product?" is a good question to ask.
Further reading: