Happy holidays to all the animal lovers in Illinois and beyond! Though the state of Illinois doesn't offer much in the way of silly animal laws, Illinois' cities have passed some oddities:
• In Chicago, it is illegal to give a dog whiskey. But if he makes it to legal drinking age, can't we bend the rules, just a little?
• In Chicago, it is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck. First and foremost, how does one sit on a giraffe's neck? A skill I do not possess.
• In Crete, it is illegal to have sex with a pet dog or a canary. Specifically those, huh? I guess laws have to start somewhere.
• In Galesburg, no person may keep a smelly dog. Smelly is a relative term, and also objective, right? Are we talking smelly good or smelly bad? I'll just slap some perfume on my pooch, and we're good to go.
* In Galesburg, there is a $1,000 fine for beating rats with baseball bats. Seriously? I don't even want to know why we have to specify "rats." Let's not exterminate anyone this way, okay?
• In Kenilworth, a rooster must step back three hundred feet form any residence if he wishes to crow. And, if you can teach your rooster what three hundred feet is, he can crow where ever the bleep he likes, as far as I'm concerned.
• In Kirkland, bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any streets. Good luck enforcing that. May I please have a tour of the Kirkland Bee Jail?
• In Normal, it is against the law to make faces at dogs. Well, to me, it's completely NORMAL to make faces at my dog. Good ones, bad ones, confused ones, embarrassing ones, cute ones...and don't even get me started on the songs I sing. What is normal, really?
• In Zion, it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals. Let them light their own damn cigars! Who do they think we are, servants?
Law information source: stupidlaws.com and dumblaws.com.